In an attempt to get down with the kids, I`m doing a live-tweet style “review” of the new Ghostbusters movie! So here are my thoughts, with time indexes, as I watch the movie in real-time! For best effect, watch the movie while you read the article. It`ll be like I`m right there beside you annoying you with pithy comments and trying to touch your leg. Enjoy!
Editors Note: Spoilers ahead… Obviously
0.01 Well, here it is! The first new Ghostbusters film since 1988. I gather there`s been a few changes, but off we go!
1.35 Bit of atmosphere building in a spooky house. Wonder where this is going to go?
3.40 Disney`s Haunted Mansion? Is that you?
4.16 Well, that was a little more overwrought than the subtle, books flying around opening from the original, but OK, I`ll roll with it. Also, Ray Parker Jr!
5.10 Hello Erin Gilbert. Talking to yourself and acting silly in an empty lecture theater. You`re the kooky one, right?
5.45 Ouch, really bad gag there. (“the first sentence is `this is not a joke”). Are you commenting on the quality of the gag itself in a sort of postmodern funky meta fashion?
6.20 Charles Dance! If God was a villain, he`d be you.
8.20 Abby! You`ve got a funny Doc Brown hat on, you`re surrounded by clichéd mad scientist shit and you`re obsessed with won tons. You`re the kooky one, right?
10.05 Holzman, where you been all my life? Staring madly, wearing goggles and glasses at the same time, giving backhanded compliments! You`re the kooky one, right?
11.20 Fart joke. Fart. Joke.
11.37 Not a fart joke. Queef joke! Fuckin’ hell, I see what Murray, Ackroyd and the rest were doing wrong all this time.
13.50 More poo jokes. I think that`s already more than there were in the originals. The style is very odd, it`s like a spoof of a 90s sitcom.
16.29 Buy Pringles guys!
17.30 CGI puke from a bad cgi spook. Like the opening scene its reminiscent of the original but all subtlety out of the window. Also that’s queef/fart joke, poo joke and puke joke all done in the first 20 minutes. Movie now just has to tick off jizz and period jokes.
17.48 Ghost is outside in broad daylight looking like a Final Fantasy spell or something. Keep ’em inside in the dark guys.
19.21 More bodily function jokes. This really isn’t looking good.
20.07 “Who`s she gonna call?” “Ghost Jumpers!” What? Was that a joke?
23.00 Patty makes her first appearance! She doesn`t seem too kooky though. She`ll never fit in. Who`s the creepy guy she`s talking to though?
23.42 More flippin’ lame blue cgi crap goddamnit.
25.00 Creepy guy is the villain! Channeling your basic movie serial killer too!
25.40 Fire station!
26.10 Chinese restaurant. What?
26.15 Oh god, the Chinese takeaway man is a running gag.
27.00 Holzman is funny. Can we get rid of the other two?
27.50 Thor arrives!
29.40 Thor is thick and conventionally handsome! In a clever subversion of everything that Annie Potts wasn`t in the original! Stupid men.
30.00 Incredible example of tonal incongruity with the MIKE HAT joke. Would have been a great gag in something surreal, like a Python sketch or in the Mighty Boosh, but here makes no sense and is lame and forced. Cannot believe that one made it in.
31.00 Thor is really thick. Really thick. It`s almost as if there`s an agenda at work or something.
32.00 He did just make me laugh when he said “an aquarium is a submarine for fish” though.
37.05 Proton gun makes the right noise! That`s something…!
37.50 “He`s gonna be the third scariest thing on that train”. Good line.
38.33 Stupid Thor.
39.40 Thor is so stupid. Like all men.
41.16 Lame routine about a body being in the back of the car. Is this improvised? It looks like it.
44.00 I really hoped that story about Erin`s childhooh was going to go all Phoebe Cates in Gremlins, but it turns out it was actually a lame attempt at character development.
45.23 Bill Murray. But why?
46.40 Ecto 1`s siren is wrong. That upset me enough, and then there was a lame remix of the theme song. With rapping and that.
48.55 Holzman is funny. Really, can we ditch the two stiffs though?
49.40 Patty is funny too. The trailers lied to me.
52.40 Nothing here is working. The CGI, the rock concert thing, the stiff line delivery, nothing.
54.15 “We came, we saw, we kicked it`s ASS” doesn`t have a patch on, er, “We put a ghost in a box”….
54.41 Ozzy? come on man…
55.36 I`m pretty impressed with how they`re showing the equipment progressing.
57.17 Bill Murray again! He`s being a dick. Like all men.
1.00.11 This film killed Bill Murray. Read into that what you will.
1.02.42 Wait, has everyone forgotten that a guy just died after falling out of the Ghostbusters` window?
1.08.00 Clumsy exposition scene out of nowhere. It`s like there`s a scene missing where they find out that the ghosts are being summoned by an actual human and they’re all talking about it like it’s a foregone conclusion, and then find the guy`s photograph at the end. Maybe I missed something, or maybe they realised that over an hour has passed and they need to get the story going.
1.09.50 Annie freakin` Potts! You`re more badass than the four of these gimps put together. I hope you told them.
1.11.13 Villain is an entitled, whining baby. Like all men.
1.12.07 “I mean…you`ve got soup”. Best line in the movie so far.
1.12.41 Suicide! That`s two deaths so far. Bit dark? I don`t think there were any deaths in the originals.
1.18.00 Wait, didn`t that window get broken 18 minutes ago?
1.18.14 Oh god was that a Matrix jump thing? There`s only one pop culture reference more slapworthy than that, and that`s the Mission Impossible theme.
1.18.56 Correction, the line “that`s gonna leave a mark” is infinitely more slapworthy. Slap her again Patty.
1.19.01 Thanks Patty.
1.19.20 Thor out of nowhere decides he`s going to be a ghostbuster. Where has he shown any interest in that before? Oh, and now he`s posessed.
1.20.00 The mayor is stupid. Like all men.
1.20.34 Nice dumpster gag.
1.23.22 City`s going to hell and all I`m thinking is how much I miss the soundtrack to the original movie. Might give it a listen afterwards.
1.24.00 Dan Ackroyd. It was inevitable I suppose. At least they didn`t kill you and then forget about it. Where`s Ernie Hudson? Knowing the poor guy`s luck he`ll turn up for one frame just before it cuts to black at the end.
1.24.34 Slimer! Was Frank Welker busy? Who`s doing his sodding voice?
1.26.40 It’s the staypuft marshmallow man. He`s fat and squashes you. Like all men.
1.30.55 Holzmann is badass.
1.23.01 There`s a girl slimer. She looks just like slimer, but with lipstick and a wig. Make of that what you will.
1.34.20 It`s not as dramatic as the “choose the form of the destructor” bit though is it?
1.34.46 Oh fuck off.
1.35.33 Fuck. Off.
1.35.46 I`m facepalming beyond the capacity for rational thought.
1.37.58 They shot him in the balls. Aw damn movie, if you weren`t totally transparent before…
1.39.07 Poltergeist 2 bullshit now?
1.39.40 LEAVE THEM IN THERE GUYS, you two are the only good things in this movie.
1.41.16 Really flippin’ lame banter. Was this scene the first they shot? Because I don`t believe these people have ever met before.
1.43.51 Fire house!
1.44.09 Ernie Hudson! Of course you`re related to the only black character in the movie, I don`t know why I didn`t see that coming.
1.44.34 End credits. Verdict? Well, it`s pretty bad. Wooden performances, a terrible script, shit-tier effects, and almost groaning under the weight of its attempt to be progressive. Having said that, I did chuckle a few times. Holzman and Patty needed more screen time. If they ditch the “men are shit and must pay” thing, cut out some of the lame (presumably improvised) non-comedy, nix the bodily function jokes, and get a decent screenwriter in, the next one (I`m assuming there`ll be a next one) might not be so bad. Them`s my two cents anyhew.
1.55.24 Oh fuck off.